5 Tips for Improving Communication in Your Marriage

One of the most common concerns I hear from couples seeking therapy is, “We love each other, but we have communication issues.”  Usually this is the first sign that couples counseling might be a good idea.  And you can catch the concerns before they become bigger problems.

But what does “communication issues” actually mean?

For most couples, it means they haven’t learned how to communicate in a way that truly connects—where one person speaks and the other actually feels heard.  Not feeling heard or validated is what I hear most often.  This usually means that one or both of the spouses are listening to respond, not listening to understand. And that’s a big difference.

When you're in an argument with your spouse, do you find your mind wandering to how you want to respond, or that what they said was wrong?  When conversations turn difficult or tense, it’s natural to become defensive. That’s a human response—but it’s not always a healthy one. In fact, defensiveness is often at the core of many couples’ communication breakdowns.  When we listen to respond, we are no longer able to receive or truly hear what our spouse is saying and the emotions behind their words.  And that's when and where communication goes sideways.

So, what can you do to break the cycle and start communicating better?

Here are five simple yet powerful tools you can start using today:

1. Reflective Listening

This is one of the most effective strategies in couples therapy. Reflective Listening involves letting your spouse speak—without interruptions, without defensiveness, and without jumping to conclusions. Your job is to listen carefully to both their words and their feelings.  This is often very hard to do at first, because it’s our human nature to listen with an ear of how to respond.  And that’s NOT what is supposed to be happening.  So, if you find it difficult to listen without thinking about how to respond, then maybe take notes, so you are “forcing” yourself to pay attention differently.

Once your spouse is finished, reflect back what you heard them say. For example, “What I hear you saying is that you felt dismissed when I didn’t check in with you after work.” This gives your partner the chance to confirm that you understood or to clarify further.

The goal here is not to agree or disagree—but simply to understand. Reflective Listening slows things down, creates emotional safety, and allows for deeper, more compassionate responses instead of reactive ones.

2. “I” Statements

Taking responsibility for your feelings will help you improve your communication when you feel upset or angry.  One way to achieve this is by using “I” statements.  This technique will allow you to communicate what is upsetting you while minimizing blaming your spouse.  It allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings, while sharing with your spouse the impact of their words or actions.  If our statements feel too blaming, the person we are trying to speak to will often become defensive, leading to an unproductive conversation.

Take the following statement for example:  “You make me angry because you always come home late!”

An “I” Statement follows the formula below.  

“I” Statement Format:  “I feel____when you_____because_______.”

The first blank is filled in with an emotion, such as “I feel frustrated…”

The second blank is filled in with the action or behavior that your spouse has done that has made you feel frustrated, such as, “I feel frustrated when you come home late…”

And the third blank is filled in with the reason that action frustrates or upsets you, such as, “I feel frustrated when you come home late because I stay awake worrying that something bad has happened to you.”

By using this formula, you can change the tone of your conversation and it may help both you and your spouse gain a better understanding of why you’re feeling how you’re feeling, making it easier to come to an agreeable resolution.

3. Family Meetings

This is one of my primary go to's when working with couples.  This sets the stage for them to have intentional time to talk with each other about what's on their minds.  

A Family Meeting is a scheduled time for the couple or family to meet together on a set day and time to discuss the past week and prepare for the upcoming week.  There is a simple format for the conversation.

What's Working Well? 

Each spouse has the opportunity to share a few things that they noticed that went well during the past week, especially as it relates to the marriage.  It's a chance to give some positive feedback to your spouse, because...who doesn't like to hear positive things about themselves or their actions.  This is the way to start the meeting on a positive note, thus setting the tone for a productive conversation.  It starts the meeting with both spouses feeling good.

What Are We Worried About? 

Once each person has shared some positive things from the past week, they each have the opportunity to share 2-3 things that they are worried about or were upsetting or problematic during the past week.  But it's not a whole laundry list of complaints.  It's selecting just a few things that may have been particularly bothersome and mentioning it.  During and after one spouse shares their list, the other spouse can practice Reflective Listening, by reflecting back the concerns their spouse shared, along with the emotions that might have been conveyed with that, as well.  This ensures that the first spouse is heard and understood.  Once the Reflective Listening process is complete, the other spouse has the opportunity to share a few of their concerns from the week, and the spouse who spoke first, is able to reflect back.  This creates some natural dialogue about the concerns.

Another reason this is helpful is because both spouses know in advance that this topic will be addressed during the Family Meeting, so neither spouse should feel ambushed or attacked.  It also allows each spouse to mentally and emotionally prepare to hear and productively discuss some negative things.  It also helps, because each spouse can be intentional about practicing Reflective Listening, which requires them both to slow down, listen, and understand.

What Needs to Happen Next?

After gaining clarity and understanding through the Reflective Listening process, it opens the conversation to the couple discussing calmly, how they’d like to resolve the concerns or what they can do differently to ensure that those or similar problems don’t continue to happen.  These conversations usually take on a different tone than they have in the past, because each spouse has now heard their partner differently and are more open and better able to come to a resolution, instead of digging in their heels.

Logistics

Some couples also find it helpful to spend some time during their Family Meeting, to discuss plans, activities, events, or appointments for the upcoming week.  So some time can be reserved for reviewing the calendar for the upcoming week, to make sure both spouses are on the same page.  

4. Take a Time-Out

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do in an argument is pause.

If emotions are running high and the conversation is going sideways or has become unproductive, call a time-out. Let your partner know you need a short break to cool off, gather your thoughts, and calm your nervous system.

This isn't avoidance—it’s a strategy to prevent further damage and to help ensure that further discussion is productive instead of hurtful. Taking a break can help you return to the conversation with more clarity, empathy, and self-control. Whether it’s 10 minutes or an hour, agreeing on how long the break will last ensures both partners know it’s just a pause—not an escape.

However, it’s important to return to the conversation.  A Time-Out isn’t an indefinite pause.  It’s a short term pause to allow both spouses to recalibrate their emotions, thoughts, and nervous system, in order to finish the conversation in a calm and productive manner.  The person calling the Time-Out should indicate how long they need, but should not be more than an hour, simply to allow for closure or resolution for both spouses.

5. Over-Communicate

It might sound simple, but this one’s often overlooked. Over-communicating means offering more context, clarity, and information than you think is necessary.

We assume our partners “should just know” what we need—but that’s a setup for frustration. When you openly share your needs, expectations, or even what’s on your mind, it gives your partner the opportunity to meet you there. It gives your spouse the opportunity to make an informed decision or to alter their actions based on the information provided.  No one is a mind reader, and when we leave too much unspoken, misunderstandings are almost guaranteed.  You know what they say when you “assume”?  

Even saying something as small as, “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, I just need a little space,” can make a world of difference.

These are just a few of the tools I use with couples in therapy. And while no technique is a magic fix, practicing these consistently can transform the way you and your partner relate to one another.

If you’re curious about whether couples counseling is right for you—or if you're ready to start communicating in a healthier, more connected way—I’d love to help.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation at www.brittaniedmillslmft.com and take the first step toward a stronger, more understanding relationship.

Connect With Me:

Website: www.brittaniedmillslmft.com
Email: bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
Phone: (925) 335-6122
Instagram: @brittaniedmillslmft
Facebook: facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

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About the Author :

Brittanie D. Mills is a licensed online Christian couples counselor who helps Christian couples strengthen their marriage through faith, love, and biblical wisdom.  With advanced training in Motivational Interviewing and Solution Focused Therapy, and degrees in Counseling Psychology, with an emphasis on Marriage & Family Therapy, she combines clinical expertise, personal life experience, Biblical wisdom, and a dash of humor.

Brittanie has worked with individuals and families from diverse backgrounds and populations, struggling with multiple issues, including generational and complex trauma, substance abuse, domestic violence, physical abuse, anxiety, and depression. She has also spent the last 8 years training and coaching Social Workers and Marriage & Family Therapists about communication, conflict resolution, and family engagement.

Brittanie’s Christian walk began in early childhood and has grown stronger as she navigated her own difficulties in marriage.  But it is her faith that has kept her grounded in this sacred work of helping Christian couples have successful marriages.

When she’s not meeting with clients online, you can find her enjoying the beauty of nature with her husband.